Accidental wet dreams…

Today, I was at a family function. We were all sitting on the couch and I ended up falling asleep. I was woken up by my cousin, who threw a glass full of water at me. Everyone looked at me horrified. Turns out I masturbate in my sleep. FML

Woman with her hand in her pink and black polka dot lace panties © Sean Nel, 123RF
Quote : http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/3716482

The NeverEnding Ride.

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

Close-up shot of elevator buttons © Kasia Biel, 123RF
Quote : http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/3578218

Home Alone – NOT!!

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

Running woman in American flag with blonde long hair © Sergey Rusakov, 123RF

Quote : http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/3582507

Who has the last laugh now?

Today, the car in front of me was going slow and I flashed my lights and honked. I floored it and passed the car, flipping off the driver. Just as I went around the next corner I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop. A few seconds later, the guy I flipped off drove by honked and waved. FML

Woman Receiving Speeding Ticket © Moodboard, 123RF

Quote : http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/3583602

Parental Love

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

Scared and hiding under the bed © Melanie Taylor, 123RF

Quote : http://www.fmylife.com/sex/3421405

Trapped in infinite loop of doom

Today, as I was walking into a motorcycle dealership, I saw two old men drinking beer outside. As I walked by, I heard one man say to his friend "I would definitely do her." His friend looked at me, grimaced, and then said to the other "man, how drunk ARE you?!" FML

damned grunge background, rusting metal with black graffiti, high contrast © Sascha Burkard, 123RF

Me angry. Me smash. You screwed.

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

Girl Smashing Guitar © Jason Stitt, 123RF

Quote : http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/3428912

Face-unLoved…

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

Love is the key. Heart on a pink computer enter key. © peterdenovo, 123RF

Quote : http://www.fmylife.com/love/3395339

You jump, I jump…

Today, I took a bike ride to enjoy the weather and stopped for a break on the sidewalk of an overpass, taking in the view of the beautiful hills. I was approached by a cop, who said to me: "Ma'am, I know your life is crap right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. Please don't jump." FML

Lonely female standing ontop of a hill looking at ocean vista. © Konstantin Sutyagin, 123RF

Quote : http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/3395753

You can run, but you can’t hide…

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

 

A kiddie swing ride at a carnival © Robert Byron, 123RF

Quote : http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/3398201